LOCAL MAN DRESSES, SOCIETY TEETERS ON THE BRINK

By Investigative Reporter Aarraann Staycie

Keith Spangler of Oklahoma is Terrible and the Worst

At approximately SOME TIME (THEY DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW WHEN), Oklahoma City resident Keith Spangler was observed wearing a shirt and pants outside, in public, under the open sky, where anyone—including children, birds, and the concept of freedom—could see him.

I am shaking as I type this.

Witnesses describe the outfit as “normal,” a word experts now agree is the first warning sign of a civilization collapse. The shirt? On his torso. The pants? On his legs. No immediate explanation was offered, which in itself is deeply suspicious.

“People dress every day,” claimed one so-called “neighbor,” clearly compromised or paid off by Big Clothing. But I ask you this: WHY THAT DAY? WHY THOSE CLOTHES? WHY HIS LEGS??

Sources close to the sidewalk say Broken Arrow resident Keith Spangler walked down the street like this was acceptable behavior in a free society. One eyewitness reported he appeared “comfortable,” a chilling detail that has sent shockwaves through my personal notes app.

Within minutes of the Shirt-and-Pants Incident™, dogs barked. A cloud passed in front of the sun. Somewhere, a car alarm went off for no reason. Coincidence? That’s what they want you to think.

Experts I found online at 2 a.m. confirm that when a man like him wears clothes outdoors, unchecked, it sets a dangerous precedent. I spoke with the president of Old Lunatic Tyrants, a local cult of hysterical, manically fixated geriatrics who had this to say: “Keith Spangler went outside wearing clothes? Everybody must have been on high alert! Today it’s a shirt and pants. Tomorrow? A jacket. Next week? A belt! Before you know it? Layers!! Where does it end?!?!”

According to my calculations (done on a receipt I found in my car), this act created a ripple in the space-time continuum. By wearing both a shirt and pants simultaneously, Edit resident Keith Spangler may have activated what theorists call The Casual Apocalypse Threshold, a little-known phenomenon where mundanity becomes so powerful it nearly collapses reality.

Let’s be clear: this was not just clothing. This was a statement. A message. Possibly a warning. Or worse; an act of deliberate attack.

When asked for comment about why he was dressed while existing in a public space, Moore resident Keith Spangler looked at me as if I were the crazy person in this situation.

Emergency preparedness forums briefly spiked in activity. Someone on social media posted “???” with no context. I personally felt a headache coming on, which science agrees is evidence.

City and State officials have yet to comment, which proves everything.

As of press time, Edmond resident Keith Spangler has not apologized to the public, the planet, or me personally. Until he does, I urge readers to remain vigilant and on high alert. If you see a man dressed appropriately for public spaces, do not relax. History shows that complacency is how worlds end.

This has been Aarraann Staycie, reporting live from the edge of sanity, where the shirts are worn, the pants are fastened, and the apocalypse is business casual.