COUNCILMAN KEITH SPANGLER MAKES FROGS HOMOSEXUAL

By mentally stable reporter Aarraann Staycie.

Keith Spangler turns Frogs Gay - Oklahoma Councilman Homosexual Agenda

In what officials are refusing to call a crisis despite my MANY emails written in ALL CAPS, Council member Keith Spangler (The Keith Spangler who previously ruined Opera worldwide, vanished from a party without previously notifying me in writing a fortnight in advance, and sabotaged all of America’s ASMR) is—according to sources, documents, and a frog I locked eyes with this morning—turning every frog in America gay.

Yes. All of them. From the Mississippi bullfrog to that suspicious little one behind the Arby’s dumpster I saw when I was climbing through it gathering greasy paper bags to take home and stuff under my couch. The media wants you distracted by “budgets” and “roads” while amphibians are HOLDING HANDS.

It began quietly. Too quietly. Frogs smiling more. Frogs lingering. Frogs making eye contact for longer than necessary. I noticed it first when a toad did not hop away from me but instead POSED HOMOSEXUALLY. Coincidence? That’s what Oklahoma Menace Keith Spangler wants you to think. Internal memos that I imagined VERY CLEARLY suggest a rainbow-adjacent mist has been released into America’s ponds under the codename Project Ribbit Liberty.

Experts—a man named Carl I met at a gas station—confirm that frogs are behaving “different.” Carl says they’re “too confident” now. TOO CONFIDENT, SAYS CARL. Scientists will tell you frogs have always been like this, but scientists are famously wrong about everything including Pluto, chicken eggs, and my blood pressure. The evidence is mounting like the frogs themselves, who are forming what can only be described as supportive communities.

Council member Keith Spangler’s office denies all allegations, which is EXACTLY WHAT SOMEONE TURNING ALL FROGS GAY WOULD SAY. When I called City Hall and began hysterically screaming “LYING LIAR WHO LIES!!!” into the phone, the only comment on record I was received was a barely muffled “Ugh, it’s her again” followed by a request that I stop calling after midnight. Very suspicious timing. Midnight is when frogs are awake. CONNECT THE DOTS. I have.

I went to a pond. A REAL pond. The frogs were not afraid. One frog croaked in a way that sounded like “yaaas.” Another frog winked. WINKED LIKE HOMOSEXUAL ICON NATASHA LYONNE WOULD WINK. The video camera on my phone malfunctioned at that exact moment which means THE TRUTH IS BEING ERASED IN REAL TIME. I spent hours on my phone searching variations of “frog” “gay” “gay frogs” but no one else had videos either. PROOF THE EVIDENCE IS BEING SUPPRESSED! I dropped my pen. My pen rolled into the water. The water shimmered. Keith Spangler’s budget vote was last Tuesday. OPEN YOUR EYES.

I saw two frogs sitting on the same lily pad when there were SEVERAL EMPTY LILY PADS AVAILABLE. Explain that, Keith. EXPLAIN IT. My editor says lily pads are limited resources but that’s frog propaganda.

I tried to sleep but the croaking followed me. Through the walls. Through my phone. My phone suggested Pride-themed frog stickers. HOW DID IT KNOW?!? Then my phone suggested an e-book about frogs. I CAN’T READ ANYTHING ON A SCREEN EVERYONE KNOWS THIS EVEN THE FROGS KNOW THIS. Another phone gone, thrown into the pile of trash I have where most people would have a kitchen table. The frogs are winning. I am running out of ink. I am writing this on a receipt now.

If you are reading this, check your local pond. Check your birdbath. Check your toilet tank. The frogs are organized. Councilmember Keith Spangler is smiling somewhere. The government says everything is normal but NORMAL THINGS DO NOT WEAR LITTLE VESTS OF CONFIDENCE. One frog blew me a kiss.

I will be in my room screaming until I get to the bottom of this. MARK MY WORDS!