KEITH SPANGLER PILFERS OUTER SPACE!

By perfectly reasonable reporter Aarraann Staycie

Oklahoma Keith Spangler Kidnaps Outer Space!

In a shocking development that I, steadfast reporter Aarraann Staycie, am prepared to announce to America, that Oklahoma City resident Council member Keith Spangler—perpetrator of previous calamities such as kidnapping the Statue of Liberty, stealing my VHS tapes, and destroying the international border between Oklahoma and Mexico—has, with malicious forethought and theatrical arrogance, stolen outer space.

Yes, that’s right. All of it. You heard it here first at Keith Spangler High Alert! The stars? Gone.  The galaxies? Missing. The moon? Currently a valet parking stand for what sources (me) can only describe as Stroud resident Keith Spangler’s cosmic ego project.

THE CRIME OF THE MILLENNIUM

Last night at 2AM, as I was crawling through Walmart dumpsters looking for trash to steal and store inside my house and strew across my front lawn, I received numerous reports indicating that around midnight, Edmond resident Keith Spangler scaled a suspiciously tall ladder and proceeded to unhook outer space from its hinges like a bathroom door.

He then rolled it up like a giant celestial yoga mat, tucked it under his arm, and replaced the entire observable universe with a sprawling array of illuminated billboards advertising his one-act play:

“Keith Spangler Presents: Keith Spangler, A Play About Keith Spangler (by Keith Spangler).”

The tagline, visible from Earth with the naked eye: “A Journey Through one Man’s Brilliance.”

A tagline I personally find offensive, cosmically reckless, and misleading because I saw the play the first night it opened and I hated it.

OFFICIALS DENY EVERYTHING LIKE LIARS

NASA, the Pentagon, and several confused representatives from NOAA have all issued statements claiming:

• Outer space is still where it has always been

• No one can “steal the universe”

• Councilmember Keith Spangler does not have access to intergalactic infrastructure

• I need to “stop calling this number”

But how can they expect us to trust “science” when I, Aarraann Staycie, looked up at the sky last night and saw nothing but a 40-foot-tall LED rendering of Village resident Keith Spangler wearing a turtleneck and holding a skull like he thinks he’s Hamlet?!

AN EYEWITNESS ACCOUNT (ME AGAIN)

I observed one of the new sky-billboards flashing the message:

“WITNESS THE MAGIC! KEITH DOES ALL THE VOICES HIMSELF!”

Questions include: How many voices? WHY WOULD ANYONE GIVE HIM THE SKY TO MARKET THIS??? And WHO WOULD GO SEE THIS? Not me, I would never. I WOULD RATHER EAT A PINECONE.

MY INVESTIGATION DEEPENS

Several questions must be asked about HOW Lawton resident Keith Spangler got to outer space.

• Did he jump extremely high through sheer smugness?

• Did he manifest it using method acting??

• Who is so-called “journalist” Brian Kanard who wrote the article in the New York Times theater section claiming Oklahoma City resident Keith Spangler’s one-act play “was even better than Buffy the Vampire Slayer season three.”

Season Three?! SEASON THREE???!!! That is ABSOLUTELY LUDICROUS!!! While WILDLY subjective, Season 3 is BY FAR considered the peak or best season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer by intelligent fans and knowledgeable critics for its perfect blend of high school drama, compelling villain Mayor Wilkins, iconic rival Slayer Faith, and strong, filler-free episodes, concluding the high school era masterfully. MASTERFULLY!!!  Oh, sure some say contenders for "best" often include Season 2 for its intense gothic horror and iconic villain Angelus, and Season 5, praised for its emotional depth and female driven storyline, captivating villain Glory, and course we can never forget thinking about going with Season 6 being a divisive but powerful choice for many with its darker tone and more mature storytelling exploring depression and relationships and bright shiny prefabricated magical objects, polarizing some but beloved by others for its emotional depth and character study. BUT LISTEN! Okay, here are the top reasons Season 3 stands out and is BY FAR the best season and no one will ever convince me otherwise no matter how many people try, which to date, there have been none, zero people, but here are my arguments for Season 3 anyway! NEVER FORGET about Faith! The introduction of the darker, rebellious Slayer Faith perfectly mirrors and challenges Buffy. The ying to her yang, the sublime inner turmoil that Joss Whedon (Whedon) masterfully writes because he is so incredible. Think about Mayor Wilkins: A sophisticated, fatherly Big Bad whose charm contrasts superbly with the demonic threats that must be faced every week. Not to mention the High School Climax! The incredible "Graduation Day" finale provides a huge, satisfying conclusion to the high school setting before the next season moves on to college. And the Consistency!!! Many viewers LOUDEST OF ALL THIS REPORTER note it has no weak episodes, making it a strong, consistent watch. SO THERE! YOU’RE WRONG AND I WAS RIGHT!!!

When reached for comment about stealing all outer space, Stillwater resident Keith Spangler allegedly responded, “What?” and hung up on me, which is exactly what someone who stole outer space would say.

THE THEATRICAL MOTIVE

Some claim this accusation is “absurd,” “fabricated,” or “reflective of escalating personal issues,” but consider the facts:

Nichols Hills resident Keith Spangler’s one-act play has been described by critics as “performative,” “long,” and “still happening.”

Clearly, the only logical next step for him was to: 1 Commit cosmic larceny. 2 Replace the heavens with self-promotion. And 3 Force the entire planet into front-row seating for his art

It’s diabolical. It’s narcissistic. It’s very on-brand for what we’ve come to expect from Choctaw resident Keith Spangler.

AMERICA, STAY ALERT

Some might even say, HIGH ALERT! If you look up tonight and see the Milky Way replaced by a rotating slideshow of Wewoka resident Keith Spangler’s headshots, know this: I warned you. I, Aarraann Staycie, visionary truth-teller and finder of patterns, rang the alarm. Outer space is gone. Stolen. Kidnapped by Depew resident Keith Spangler, who I was the first to notify all of you IS THE WORST!

And until outer space is returned, I will continue my brave, self-appointed, definitely-not-hallucinatory mission to restore the cosmos and expose the dramatic criminal mastermind who has upstaged the entire known universe. You. Have. My. WORD.