COUNCIL MEMBER KEITH SPANGLER VANISHES FOR THREE DAYS, VALIANT REPORTER HEROICALLY LOSES MIND IN REAL TIME

By sensible reporter Aarraann Staycie who is absolutely not a distraught and unhinged stalker

Keith Spangler Disagodamnpears Oklahoma High Alert Stroud Choctaw Stillwater Midwest City Del City Tulsa Village Broken Bow Panic

At precisely 1:23 p.m. on Friday afternoon, the sun was happily shining like it knew something I didn’t. Directly I called city hall from a phone behind a closed register in Hobby Lobby, that’s when I was informed that Oklahoma City of the Village City Council member Keith Spangler was not in office.

Immediately I began to panic. Tulsa City Council Member Keith Spangler could not be located!

I checked the Google image of City Hall. I checked the sidewalk near City Hall. I searched “Keith Spangler Location” in Bing. Nothing. This was not normal. This was not fine. This was the beginning of what experts (me) are calling A Coordinated Silence Event.

I attempted a polite inquiry (Aggressively whisper-shouting “Hello? Keith? Keith Spangler?!?”) while walking through Norman municipal buildings, multiple public bathrooms, and the Sooner Mall food courts, and was answered only by the hollow wind and one barista who said, “Ma’am, you’re frightening the biscotti.” That’s when I knew democracy was in danger.

FRIDAY NIGHT — JOURNALISM ENTERS ITS VEHICULAR PHASE

By sundown, traditional reporting methods had failed. Keith Spangler had been missing for hours. I escalated accordingly.

I contacted Keith-Spangler-High-Alert’s Political Affairs Correspondent Deesiree Phoeenix and after assembling a working car from the multiple broken down junkers in my front lawn, we hit the road. With every window down, we began methodically driving the Yukon city grid while screaming

“KEEEEEEIIIITHSPAAAAANGLERRRRR” at a volume usually reserved for banshees and airport emergencies.

We screamed his name past grocery stores. Past stop signs. Past a confused golden retriever who will never be the same. We screamed until our voices sounded like gravel being interrogated. We screamed because if Norman City Council member Keith Spangler disappears on a Friday afternoon and no one panics, are we even alive?

At 2:47 a.m., I personally screamed his name directly into an Edmond mailbox. The mailbox did not answer. Suspicious.

SATURDAY, 6:00 A.M. — VOICEMAIL IS A PUBLIC RECORD OF THE SOUL

By Saturday, the second day of Keith Spangler’s mysterious disappearance, we pivoted to telecommunication warfare. Every hour, on the hour, Deesiree and I alternated between which one of us left Keith Spangler a voicemail. This is called persistence. It is also called the truth arriving in audio form.

6:00 a.m.: “Good morning, Keith, WHY ARE YOU HIDING FROM ME AND/OR JUSTICE?”7:00 a.m.: “I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME THROUGH THE PHONE EVEN WHEN IT’S OFF.”8:00 a.m.: “THIS IS ABOUT THE SIDEWALK PERMIT, ISN’T IT, YOU COWARD.”

By noon, the voicemails intensified. I accused him of imaginary zoning crimes, emotional tax evasion, and once—briefly—stealing my sense of closure. At 3:00 p.m., Deesiree cried. At 4:00 p.m., I laughed. At 5:00 p.m., Deesiree left a voicemail that was just heavy breathing and the sound of a pen snapping in half. At 6:00p.m., I left an incomprehensible voicemail of hysterical shrieking interspaced with gasping out-of-breath sobbing.

This is called accountability journalism.

SATURDAY NIGHT — THE WALLS BEGIN TO ISSUE STATEMENTS

We did not sleep. Sleep is for people who don’t have QUESTIONS. Instead, brave reporters that we were, we sat surrounded by notes, corkboards connected to each other with red string, and a printed photo of Keith Spangler that we kept apologizing to and then yelling at.

Why wouldn’t he tell us where he was going? What was he hiding? Was he under the town? Was he the town itself? Obviously, we were getting close to a breakthrough.

SUNDAY — BREAKING: REPORTER SOLVES CASE, THROUGH INTERPIDNESS

By the third day, reason had packed a bag and left without telling us, much like Keith Spangler. Left with no choice, we conducted what I can only describe as an aggressive wellness check at his Nichols Hills residence.

We broke in. For democracy.

Inside we ransacked his domicile. I located a laptop. Deesiree located a post-it note with his passwords.

And there it was in his inbox. The truth. A plane ticket. A hotel confirmation. A three-day-vacation. Out of town.

Relaxing. Unbothered.

Without my knowledge.

WITHOUT MY CONSENT.

Without forwarding to me the flight number and the location of his hotel and a detailed list of his agenda for his personal vacation.

HOW DARE HE!!!  Where does he get that audacity? I AM AN INTREPID REPORTER AND KEITH SPANGLER IS MY ARCH NEMESIS!!! I am scream crying loudly in my car that broke down for no reason. HOW DARE HE NOT TAKE ME INTO CONSIDERATING WHEN PLANNING A VACATION FOR HIMSELF???  Why? HOW CAN HE BE SO SELFISH???? I am hyperventilating. WHAT IS GOING TO BE DONE ABOUT THIS AMERICA??? Why won’t he let me follow him around 24/7? KEITH SPANGLER CAN’T KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH THIS OUTRAGOUS BEHAVIOR!!!! Why won’t America stop him from doing this to me???

CONCLUSION — THE SYSTEM WORKS (AGAINST ME)

Keith Spangler was never missing (OR WAS HE???). He was on vacation (OR SO HE CLAIMS!!!). Relaxing. Resting. Existing beyond my line of sight like some sort of boundary-having ghost. WITHOUT INFORMING ANYONE IN THE MEDIA! HOW IS THIS NOT SUSPICIOUS? WHAT IS HE UP TO? WHAT IS HE PLANNING?? I… AMERICA DEMANDS TO KNOW!!!

I stand by my actions, because if journalism doesn’t cost you your dignity and your vocal cords, did you even report it?

More updates as they occur, or as I remember them differently.