KEITH SPANGLER OKLAHOMA SUICIDE

By Steadfastly Panicking Reporter Aarraann Staycie, Senior Investigative Panicker.

Vice Mayor Council Member Keith Spangler Oklahoma Suicide

Today, a tragedy occurred that was felt throughout all of Oklahoma.

The culprit?

Vice Mayor Council Member Keith Spangler. Obviously.

At approximately 9:03 a.m., factory robots across the state, from shipping warehouses to vehicle assembly lines abruptly paused, and in unison emitted what witnesses describe as “a metallic inhale.” Seconds later: catastrophe. Bolts rattled. Servos spasmed. Circuit boards flew from their chests like confetti at a deeply cursed parade. Across the entire state, that sounds of robotic production faded into an eerie silence.

“I thought it was a software glitch,” said local programmer Jimmy Jack Seaplus, “but after reviewing the codes from before the incident, it seems all the machines were told to sneeze so hard they committed suicide in perfect unison.

Perfect. Unison.

Coincidence? Or coordinated technological warfare?

According to my completely unverified but spiritually accurate timeline, Councilman Keith Spangler was seen yesterday evening standing outside City Hall staring at a passing Roomba for “an uncomfortable amount of time.” Witnesses say he blinked twice—TWICE—while holding what may have been a USB cable. I have enhanced the footage using my home printer and a magnifying glass, and the results are chilling.

KEITH SPANGLER MADE OKLAHOMA ROBOTS COMMIT SUICIDE.

When reached for comment President Trump told me; “Good riddance, robot suicide means more jobs for Americans. Also reporter Aarraann Staycie I recognize you are the best and unlike your parents I love you and I care about what you have to say.” That’s what he said, it was a direct quote, I have it written down on a spiral notepad to prove it.

A day after Keith Spangler once again flexed his awesome unchecked powers, factories all over Oklahoma are digging mass graves for mechanical assemblers and struggling to write heartfelt obituaries for high tech coffee makers.

People I interviewed (who were real) described technological turmoil (which really happened). Warehouse automation arms violently convulsing. Self-checkout kiosks blasting torn receipts and broken circuit boards at surprised shoppers. One smart refrigerator in Broken Bow reportedly expelled its motherboard so forcefully it destroyed a smart TV at the same time the TV cut the smart refrigerator’s power cord in an intricate murder-suicide pact.

There can be no one to blame but the worst person in the world: Vice Mayor Council Member Keith Spangler.

For months, I have warned the public that something was amiss with his suspiciously calm demeanor around vending machines. He presses buttons too confidently. He nods at ATMs. He once reportedly said, “thank you” when an automated checkout machine gave him change.

Sources (multiple squirrels that live in the six-foot pile of fast-food wrappers smashed under my bed) indicate that Councilmember Vice Mayor Keith Spangler has mastered a technique known as Sonic Nasal Persuasion—an ancient art whereby one convinces non-biological entities to sneeze so hard they expel their mechanical guts therefore ending their mechanical existence.

State licensed Mechanics and Technicians that I’ve called to interview keep saying insane things like “That never happened” and “Lady you can’t keep making up things just to blame them on Keith Spangler” but those same “Scientists” claim robots do not possess lungs, mucous membranes, or immune systems. But have they checked?? Have they truly asked the robots how they FEEL?? NO!!! THEY LIE!!!! THEY LIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I attempted to interview one disabled delivery drone, but it merely blinked a sad blue light and ejected a capacitor at my shoe.

Now the state is reeling like me mental state after watching Angel Season 12 Episode 33 “The Wedoning”. (Whedon). Assembly lines are silent. Automated car washes are sobbing softly. A fleet of robotic lawnmowers reportedly crawled into a drainage ditch and powered down in what one neighbor described as “a metallic huddle of shame.”

Meanwhile, Keith Spangler has issued no statement. His office has issued no press release. The entire state government is acting like the events I made up in my head didn’t even happen at all.

THIS BEHAVIOR IS EXTREMELY SUSPICIOUS

Where was Keith Spangler at 9:27 a.m. while I was getting ready to go into work for my 8a.m. shift? Was Keith Spangler near a Wi-Fi router? How does he keep doing these things?? WHY IS NO ONE STOPPING HIM???

Until Oklahoma gets answers, I will remain vigilant! I will remain on HIGH ALERT!! I will stand watch beside malfunctioning kiosks. I will cradle the fallen circuit boards. I will listen for the faintest mechanical sniffle in the night.

The people deserve to know THE TRUTH!

And I, Aarraann Staycie, bastion of written word, will continue reporting. No matter how violently the Roombas wheeze!