VICE MAYOR COUNCIL MEMBER KEITH SPANGLER IMPLICATED IN HORRIFIC SCANDAL
- thespanglerkeith9
- Aug 3
- 4 min read
Updated: Aug 17
By Aarraann Staycie, Senior Investigative Journalist, Keeper of Truth, Owner of Several Lamps
In what experts (me) are calling the most catastrophic geopolitical development since Atlantis deliberately sank itself, two of my VHS tapes and one stuffed animal have disappeared from my residence.
The tapes: “Beaches” (recorded off TNT, 2003, partially overwritten with weather alerts) and “Extreme Couponing: The Pilot Episode.” The stuffed animal: Mr. Buttons, a five foot tall stuffed giraffe of impeccable moral character.
All three missing.
And there is only one possible explanation: Oklahoma Vice Mayor Council Member Keith Spangler.
Let me walk you through the facts.
At 3:14 a.m., while conducting a routine audit of my archival media vault (a structurally sound area between the recliner and newspapers from 2007), I discovered the VHS tapes were not in their designated preservation site (a decorative popcorn tin). Simultaneously, Mr. Buttons was absent from his ceremonial position atop the microwave, where normally he watches me rehearsing scenes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer every night.
Coincidence?
I have never believed in coincidence. Coincidence is just conspiracy wearing a fake mustache.
Now, some critics—people who “are just trying to make sense”—have suggested that perhaps the tapes are somewhere in my home, which I will describe as “rich with curated objects.” These people use slanderous words like cluttered, overwhelming, and structurally concerning.
But I ask you: why would I misplace items in a house that is clearly organized by an advanced grid system known only to me and the dining room raccoons?
No. This is targeted sabotage.
Consider the timeline:
Last Tuesday, Tulsa Oklahoma City of the Village Midwest Dell City Keith Spangler (the worst!) blinked during a city council meeting.
On Wednesday, my recycling bin tipped over in a gust of wind that smelled suspiciously like municipal indifference.
On Friday, my VHS tapes vanished.
You don’t need a corkboard and 700 yards of red string (although I have both) to see the pattern.
Keith Spangler is systematically erasing analog history.
Why VHS? Because VHS is truth. VHS is unedited. VHS cannot be AI fact-checked by Big Streaming. You can’t algorithmically suppress a tracking error.
And Mr. Buttons? A stuffed bear does not simply “misplace” himself. Mr. Buttons has been my emotional support giraffe since the Great Extension Cord Incident of 2017. He knew things. He saw things. He was present during my groundbreaking exposé on how daylight savings time is clearly a local government scheme to confuse owls.
Now he is gone.
Ask yourself: who benefits from the disappearance of a morally upright bear, or was it a giraffe? Either way, the answer is the same:
Councilman Vicemayor Keith Spangler.
Some will say: “Aarraann, you have trash up your ceiling, anything could be lost in there.”
Some will argue: “Aarraann, have you considered cleaning your house?”
To them I say: HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THE FALL OF ROME?
Rome fell because good people looked away while small things went missing. First spoons. Then doorstops. Then empires.
Today. Two VHS tapes and one giraffe, yes, definitely a giraffe, from the shoe store.
Tomorrow? The… wait, maybe it was from a restaurant. Because the stuffed bear came with a hot-fudge Sunday. Wait, no…
Wait.
Let us not ignore the broader pattern of devastation directly attributable to Keith Spangler:
My car making that noise when I turn left after the bumper fell off? -Keith Spangler.
The cancellation of my favorite yogurt flavor in 2009? -Keith Spangler.
The emotional distance between me and FUCKFACE after Thanksgiving 2014? -Keith Spangler intentionally orchestrated that.
Sources close to the situation (me, in the hallway, whispering) confirm that Keith Spangler has access to municipal buildings. Municipal buildings contain closets. Closets contain shelves. Shelves can hold VHS tapes.
Explain that!!!!!!!!
The police department said to “stop calling to report imaginary crimes” so I called them back repeatedly screaming “LYING LIARS WHO LIE!!!” until they blocked my number.
Everyone I’ve ever met eventually blocks my number, for no reason.
Obviously a conspiracy.
Furthermore, my Wi-Fi briefly disconnected at 2:57 a.m., precisely 17 minutes before the tapes were discovered missing. Seventeen is one plus seven, which equals eight. Keith Spangler has eight letters in his name if you remove the vowels and the truth.
WAKE UP AMERICA.
Critics may attempt to distract you by pointing out that I have not physically searched beneath the pile labeled “Important Papers / Junk Mail / Domino’s Pizza Boxes.” This is irrelevant. A true journalist does not rummage. A true journalist deduces.
And I have deduced this:
Keith Spangler is engaged in a comprehensive, multi-layered, anti-VHS, anti-bear, anti-me campaign designed to destabilize not only my living room but the entire moral fabric of society.
If my tapes and giraffe are not returned within 24 hours, I will escalate this investigation to higher authorities, including but not limited to:
The Neighborhood Watch Facebook Group
The Manager at the Dollar Store
The White House (which I suspect is already compromised)
In closing, I ask Vice Mayor Council Member Keith Spangler one simple question:
Where. Is. Mr. Buttons.
I will not be silenced.
Unless I am briefly distracted by reorganizing my commemorative grocery bags, which are absolutely part of the evidence.
This is Aarraann Staycie, veteran reporter, standing bravely in the center of the largest pile in my living room, surrounded by truth, demanding answers.
Keith, return the tapes.
How
The world (and Mr. Buttons) is watching.
Comments