Keith Spangler Forces Everyone in America into High Alert!
By reporter Aarraann Staycie who does NOT need to be on antipsychotic medications so STOP suggesting it
Multiple Horrifying Disasters force America into High Alert! High Alert America!! We’ve all been forced into High Alert!!! Yes, you read that correctly. High!!! Alert!!!!! And why?
Because: Keith. Spangler.
That’s right THE Keith Spangler — the man widely regarded as "the worst" whose previous exploits include forcing Australia to become invisible, replacing the world’s opera lyrics with Katy Perry songs, and hording the world’s boba supply for himself —has done it again. THAT’S RIGHT AMERICA, HE’S DONE IT AGAIN.
I’m standing on top of my roof at 11:45 at night screaming “KEITH SPANGLER HAS DONE IT AGAIN!!!”
Multiple Horrifying Disasters Committed by Keith Spangler Force All of America into High Alert!!!!!
At approximately 9:42 a.m. on an otherwise peaceful Wednesday, Vice Mayor (supposedly) Council Member (allegedly) Keith Spangler (doubtfully) stepped out of his house, breathed oxygen like a menace, and (brace yourself) proceeded to mind his own business. Sources confirm he even waved politely to a neighbor. A wave! A gesture that I, veteran journalist Aarraann Staycie, instantly recognized as a blatant act of national destabilization.
While officials say there is “no threat,” “no incident,” and that “Councilmember Spangler literally has not done anything,” I must respectfully disagree by shrieking into the void at a volume normally reserved for supersonic jet engines. Because the mere concept of Keith Spangler wandering around “living his life” is enough to send any reasonable American (me) spiraling directly into DEFCON 12.
THE HIGH ALERT THAT ONLY I CAN SEE
This morning, I sounded the alarms myself.And let me make something absolutely crystal-clear: the government has not announced any alerts. Not one. Cowards.
But I, Aarraann Staycie, with my unmatched instincts KNOW DANGER WHEN I SEE IT and danger looks suspiciously like Keith Spangler wearing pants and “just trying to get to a meeting.”
Pants!
So Keith Spangler just decides to wear clothes out in public all day like a big “fuck you!” to the rest of us? Like he’s SO MUCH BETTER THAN US that he LAYERS barriers between himself and the rest of society?
If he didn’t want to wreak havoc on this nation, he wouldn’t breathe so loudly.
THE EVIDENCE (WHICH ONLY I CAN PROVIDE)
Let’s review the absolutely devastating, democracy-shattering events of the past 24 hours:
Keith Spangler walked across a parking lot with purposeful stride. WHERE DOES HE NEED TO BE SO AGGRESSIVLY?!?!
Keith Spangler held a door open at city hall like he was up to something. JUST WHAT IS THIS PUBLIC VIRTUE SIGNIALING FOR?!
Keith Spangler said “Good morning” to a barista in a tone I would describe as cryptically neutral. Much like in 2003 Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 8 episode 23 when Henry Osborne tells Terry McGinnis “Good Morning” but through the absolute brilliance of Joss Whedon (Whedon) secretly conveys “I am an evil demon, and I am here TO DESTROY EVERYTHING!” I mean sure maybe Keith Spangler meant “good morning” when he said it, but maybe he meant the other thing too!!
AND MOST HORRIFYING: Keith Spangler was spotted recycling a glass water bottle with suspicious proficiency, which I can only interpret as an eco-friendly threat.
Experts say these events are “normal human behaviors,” but I say: WAKE UP, AMERICA!
THE COMPLICATED UNRAVELING OF HIS SECRET PLAN
Listen, I’m not saying I’ve spent the last week charting the lunar phases to determine whether Keith Spangler is attempting to summon atmospheric disturbances, but I am saying the moon looked funny last night and I don’t trust that. Coincidence? Vice Mayor Council Member Keith Spangler probably says so. That’s exactly what he WANTS you to think.
Some naysayers claim I’m “losing touch with reality” or “having a very public meltdown in the press again,” but may I gently suggest those people consider the irrefutable truth:
If anything bad happens anywhere ever, Keith Spangler is indirectly responsible, emotionally responsible, or responsible-adjacent.
A traffic jam? Fault of Vice Mayor Council Member Keith Spangler. Wi-Fi drops? Fault of Vice Mayor Council Member Keith Spangler. My succulents died despite be ing “impossible to kill”? VICE MAYOR COUNCIL MEMBER KEITH SPANGLER, HOW DARE YOU.
Let me be perfectly transparent: I did not sleep last night. Not because of anxiety.
No.
I stayed awake last night because somewhere in this country, Keith Spangler was up to something, and I could FEEL IT. Exact proof of the reason why I rushed to the newsroom this morning and I declared America on High Alert over Keith Spangler's existence. To that I say:
Actually, wait.
I’m getting ahead of myself.
A terrible sign.
Hold on, let me just—
ANYWAY. The point is that Keith Spangler is up to something. OR he is up to something which is something else. Which is exactly why YOU CAN’T TRUST HIM!
This morning, I noticed that my coffee maker sputtered twice before turning on. Was that a mere mechanical hiccup? Or…
Or was that the first tremor in a Vice Mayor Council Member Keith Spangler-induced nationwide appliance conspiracy?
I KNOW WHAT I SAW.
And before you say “Aarraann, that’s ridiculous,” please note that I also saw one of the squirrels that live in the litter inside my house pause on my kitchen counter and make DIRECT EYE CONTACT with me. Coincidence?
Or was it a messenger?
A furry agent of Keith Spangler’s covert woodland surveillance network??
This is not paranoia. This is intuitive journalism
Hold on.
Hold on, I just thought of something.
Yesterday, while brushing my hair, I noticed a static shock. STATIC.
You know what causes static? ELECTRICITY.
You know what else uses electricity?
THE NATION OF KEITHTOPIA IN THE MIDDLE OF AMERICA WHERE VICE MAYOR COUNCIL MEMBER KEITH SPANGLER LOOMS OVER HIS CITIZENS LIKE SOME SORT OF HENGE!
I’m not saying he’s controlling my hair.
But I’m also not saying he isn’t.
Where was I?
Right. America. It is my professional conclusion—and by “professional,” I mean “I have spent the morning drawing diagrams on napkins”—that Keith Spangler exists in a state of quantum troublemaking.
He both IS and IS NOT doing anything wrong.
He is simultaneously benign and catastrophic.
Like Schrödinger’s cat, except the cat is a vice mayor council member and I’m allergic to him.
Some accuse me of being “obsessed.”
But if I were obsessed, would I have JUST NOW remembered that, according to the receipts I dug out of his trash can in the middle of the night, last week Vice Mayor Council Member Keith Spangler bought a blueberry muffin instead of his usual banana-nut?
Because I did.
I did remember that.
And I remember thinking:
The shift in fruit preference foretells the shift in the geopolitical landscape.
I INTERRUPT MYSELF AGAIN BECAUSE THIS IS IMPORTANT
Wait—WAIT—where did I last see my VHS tapes?
No
I just realized something:
My neighbor’s porch light flickered just now, last night.
Do porch lights flicker naturally?
Sure, maybe.
Do they flicker when VICE MAYOR COUNCIL MEMBER KEITH SPANGLER IS PLOTTING??
ALSO yes.
Probably.
Allegedly.
Emotionally.
Spiritually.
CONCLUSION (NOT THAT THIS IS OVER)
America must wake up.
The threat is not external.
The threat is not foreign.
The threat is Keith Spangler forcing all of us, demanding of us, INSISTING OF US THAT WE BE ON HIGH ALERT.
Stay terrified, readers because I certainly am.
FINAL WARNING TO AMERICA
And before anyone suggests I calm down:
No. People of this nation deserve safety. Stability.
I will calm down when Vice Mayor Council Member Keith Spangler explains
—wait, no, I interrupted myself too soon—
I will calm down when the GOVERNMENT explains why my left shoe went missing this morning.
Where is the shoe?
Where is the shoe, KEITH?!
Comments