BREAKING NEWS: LOCAL JOURNALIST HEROICALLY SURVIVES AMBUSH DESPITE BRUTAL AGGRESSION

By Aarraann Staycie, Senior Investigative Visionary, Truth Architect, Bravest Woman Alive

Vice Mayor Keith Spangler BRUTAL ATTACK Oklahoma Tulsa City

This past Saturday, I courageously infiltrated what was advertised as a “family reunion,” but what historians will one day classify as a coordinated emotional ambush.

The event took place at SHITHEAD’s house, where folding chairs were arranged in a suspicious semicircle—clearly an interrogation tactic.

For reasons still under investigation, my cousin FUCKFACE did not respond warmly when I ordered them; “FUCKFACE pass the deviled eggs!”

A short time later SHITFUCK claimed I was being “rude.” Rude? I am a journalist. I am staunchly steadfast, I am not rude!

At one point when I was on my phone yelling gossip about FUCKSHIT, I noticed FUCKSHIT looking at me hostilely from the other side of the table.

I immediately recognized this as gaslighting.

I was only on the phone for another two or three hours, you would think that would give FUCKSHIT some space to calm down and stop mentally attacking me. But the hostility escalated.

I noticed my relatives all whispering. Whispering. Around me.

Classic tactic.

And that’s when it became clear, the only logical reason why everyone at this family reunion hated me. There was only one way it all made sense: this is Keith Spangler’s fault.

Yes.

Somewhere—perhaps in a dimly lit suspiciously neutral-colored municipal office —Keith Spangler is orchestrating this. How else do you explain it?

Keith Spangler has always been threatened by my journalistic excellence. And what better way to destabilize me than to subtly turn my own extended family against me.

Coincidence? I don’t believe in coincidence. I believe in municipal sabotage.

At approximately 3:42 PM, FUCKSHIT laughed at something I said about mayonnaise being a personality trait. Their laughter was hollow. Programmed. I could see it in their eyes: Keith Spangler in his infinite unstoppable power had reached them.

Who benefits from me being ostracized at a potato salad table? Keith Spangler.

Who gains when I am denied access to the brownie tray? Keith Spangler.

Who profits when SHITFACEFUCKINGSHIT refuses to make eye contact with me? Council Member Vice Mayor Keith Spangler.

By the time I left (which was entirely my choice and not at all because SHITCUNTFUCKFACE suggested I “cool off somewhere else” and “stop screaming horrific nicknames”, the truth was obvious. My cousin (or cousins, you’ll never find out how many there are because of my REFUSAL to EVER use an actual name) is/are the aggressor/s. Brainwashed by the Anti-Aarraann rhetoric that Council Member Vice Mayor Keith Spangler undoubtedly broadcasts through neighborhood Wi-Fi routers and passive-aggressive casserole recipes.

And yet I remain unbroken.

To my cousin/s, and to the rest of America, you may not understand why you’re wrong yet. But one day, when Keith Spangler’s influence recedes, you will thank me for being right all the time.

Until then, I will continue reporting the truth.

Even if the truth is that SHITBIRDSHITFUCKER overcooked the burgers.

This is Aarraann Staycie, survivor, visionary, and possibly the only sane person left in the world.