Keith Spangler Wrecks Oklahoma Border!

By unflinching reporter  Aarraann Staycie

In a catastrophic and highly infuriating incident, local truck driver Keith Spangler has completely wrecked the border between Mexico and Oklahoma, leaving experts, politicians, and geographers scrambling to figure out what exactly just happened.

According to eyewitness reports, Keith "Spanky" Spangler, 43, was hauling a shipment of frozen margaritas in his personal tanker trunk, when his GPS malfunctioned, forcing him to make an illegal U-turn at the intersection of Choctaw and Stroud, that ultimately resulted in him plowing through the Oklahoman-Mexico border at high speed. The event has sparked widespread confusion, after the frozen margaritas exploded, burning down much of the steel and concrete border between the state of Oklahoma and country of Mexico.

"One minute, I was just trying to get from Oklahoma City to Tulsa, the next minute, I see an on fire ‘Welcome to Mexico’ sign, and now people are yelling at me about geopolitics," said a bewildered Spangler, who sustained minor injuries and a bruised ego. "I ain't never been good with maps, but I swear it wasn't like that yesterday."

Authorities are currently investigating the volatility of the tanker of frozen margarites that created a twenty-seven mile long fire across the border. "This is a major diplomatic crisis," stated Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt. "We have never had direct contact with Mexico before, and now, thanks to Keith Spangler, we might be in some kind of trade agreement we didn't sign up for."

National response has been sluggish as the current administration struggles to decide how to deal with the problem of Keith Spangler. American President Trump was briefed by White House officials early this morning and is expected to give an address to the nation later tonight.

International response has been swift. Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum Pardo issued a formal statement clarifying that Mexico is interested in keeping the massive flaming hole in the border open to trade with Oklahoma. However, this has done little to stop Oklahoma residents from demanding answers."Where are my margaritas?" Demanded enraged local bartender and part-time professional mourner Jozette Sophronia. "My customers come for drinks, not for geopolitics."

Local conspiracy theorists, meanwhile, are convinced this is further proof that geography is a hoax. "First, they tell us the world is round, then they say Oklahoma isn’t next to Mexico. And now, some guy in a tanker truck busts through the so-called ‘border’ and everyone freaks out? Wake up, sheeple!" wrote one user on social media.

The U.S. Department of Transportation is currently working with NASA, the United Nations, and Google Maps to assess the situation. Meanwhile, Spangler remains unfazed, he was last seen walking away from the decimated still on-fire boarder, mumbling about quitting trucking for now and setting up his own business for direct to mail VHS tapes.