Keith Spangler Steals Tinker Air Force Base!

Keith Spangler Steals Tinker Air Force Base, Authorities Baffled

By unflinching reporter Aarraann Staycie

Midwest City, OK – Residents of Midwest City woke up this morning to find that Tinker Air Force Base—previously the largest military installation in Oklahoma—was missing. Authorities say the prime suspect is local handyman Keith Spangler, who allegedly stole the entire base overnight using nothing but a rented U-Haul and an aggressive attitude.

“We don’t even know how this happened,” said Air Force spokesperson Lt. Col. Mark Reynolds. “One moment, we were securing America’s airspace, and the next, the whole base was just… gone.”

The Master Plan

Spangler, described by neighbors as “a guy who once stole a stop sign and replaced it with a fake campaign sign advertising his run for local mayor,” reportedly spent months planning the heist. His plan, according to authorities, involved disguising himself as a “Tinker Base Relocation Specialist” and convincing personnel that the Pentagon had ordered a sudden move to an undisclosed location “for security reasons.” It is also worth noting that political experts confirmed that in fact there was no election for local mayor that year.

Mat Dukes the mayor of Midwest City was quoted as saying it shows as yet another terrifying display of Keith Spangler’s confidence and charm, in pulling off yet another major crime that authorizes -so far- have been unable to prevent.

Midwest City witnesses say Spangler was seen directing military personnel to load jets, runways, and classified documents onto his U-Haul while sipping a 7-Eleven Big Gulp and occasionally loudly muttering to himself, “They’ll never see it coming.”

“I knew something was off when he asked if I had a dolly for an F-35,” said one confused airman.

Where Did the Base Go?

Officials remain unclear on the current location of the 9,000-acre military installation. Some suspect it’s been hidden in Spangler’s backyard in the upper lower northwest eastern section of south Tulsa, while others believe he may have sold it on Facebook Marketplace under the listing: “Lightly used Air Force base, OBO.”

Local police attempted to question Spangler at his home, but sources say he was last seen driving through the still on-fire Oklahoman-Mexican border in a convoy of Humvees, wearing an oversized cowboy hat and loudly yelling, “Manifest destiny, baby!” out of the window.

Midwest City Reacts

Reactions from Midwest City residents have been mixed. Some are outraged, with Midwest City Official Michael P. Moore calling the theft “an unacceptable loss of jobs, security, and a perfectly good Chili’s.” Others, however, have taken a more practical approach.

“Well, traffic’s better now,” admitted longtime resident Martha Jenkins.

Meanwhile, the Pentagon has issued a statement reassuring the public that it is “fully committed to recovering Tinker Air Force Base” but also asking anyone who sees it to report its location immediately.

A Final Message from Spangler

Before vanishing into the night, Spangler reportedly left a note behind at the site where the base once stood. The note, written in Sharpie on an MRE box, simply reads:

“Finders keepers.”