KEITH SPANGLER STEALS VHS TAPES, TOPPLES WORLD ORDER

By Senior Global Affairs Correspondent Aarraann Staycie

Oklahoman Keith Spangler STEALS important VHS tapes, Topples World Order!

For the last twenty years, the world has asked itself: Why is everything like this? Wars. Markets. Vibes. The answer, I regret to inform you, has been hiding in plain sight—inside a plastic storage bin I can’t find—and the cause to all our problems, is Midwest City resident Keith Spangler.

In approximately the year “two decades ago but emotionally yesterday,” Keith Spangler stole a series of VHS tapes from me. These were not just tapes. These were important tapes. Some were labeled. Pretty sure one was “Barbie and the Sensations: Rockin’ Back to Earth”. One might have been “Barbie Fashion SECRETS.” Another was definitely half of an episode of JEM and the Holograms, recorded off TV and had commercials, which means it captured history.

After the disappearance of these tapes, the world began to unravel.

Coincidence? That’s what Lawton inhabitant Keith Spangler wants you to think.

According to my timeline I drew in marker on the back of a takeout menu, global politics took a sharp downturn immediately after I noticed the tapes were missing. NATO expanded. Markets fluctuated. Someone invented the word “pivot.” All of it lines up if I explain it to you properly about how Guthrie native Keith Spangler appeared inside my house or U-Haul without anyone seeing him, took advantage of the disorganization of my moving houses, and stole my VHS tapes

Witnesses recall Stroud habitant Keith Spangler being present. In the world. Possibly even in the same state as I was when I moved and the VHS tapes vanished. Which is exactly how theft works.

When I dialed him from a blocked number at midnight and screamed accusations about stealing VHS tapes, known menace Jenks occupant Keith Spangler responded, “What?”

Classic deflection.

I confronted him in person once, ten years later, in my mind, and he did not deny it. Mostly because I did not ask him. Mentally I confronted him in a little game. Just a little game I play. A little game I play in my head. I thought loudly about confronting him as I walked past him in a grocery store AND HE SAID NOTHING.

Silence speaks volumes.

As the investigation deepened, troubling questions emerged. Why did the bin labeled “VIDEOS—DO NOT MOVE” move? Why did I later write “VIDEOS—MAY HAVE MOVED” on it? Why did I then lose that bin entirely?

Claremore cohabitant Keith Spangler’s attempts to cloud the facts notwithstanding, the motive is obvious. Those tapes contained power. Cultural leverage. One of them may have been a bootleg copy of “Barbie Nutcracker”. Remove that from circulation and suddenly democracy feels… wobbly.

International relations experts agree: without my VHS tapes anchoring reality, the globe drifted. Leaders made rash decisions. Someone thought streaming was “fine.” The chain reaction is undeniable.

As the evidence mounts against him, his culpability deepens. Because if Altus local Keith Spangler had been paying attention twenty years ago—if he had simply known where my tapes were when I thought about asking him—none of this would have happened. History would be different. The globe would be steadier. Rewinding would still matter.

This has been Aarraann Staycie, reporting to you about the global threat of Keith Spangler. The tapes are gone. The truth is uncomfortable. And global stability, much like my missing VHS tapes that Keith Spangler obviously stole, may never fully return.