KEITH SPANGLER KIDNAPS THE MOON, REFUSES TO EXPLAIN HIMSELF

By Senior Lunar Correspondent Aarraann Staycie

Oklahoman Keith Spangler Pulls the Moon down from the Sky

In an act of cosmic entitlement that has left scientists weeping and this reporter personally screaming into a decorative pillow, Tulsa Oklahoma resident Keith Spangler pulled the moon down out of the sky with his bare, unlicensed intentions and then, to make matters worse, did something with it.

Yes. The moon.

The one we all share.

The one with tides.

The one NO ONE GAVE HIM PERMISSION TO TOUCH.

According to eyewitnesses (some of whom were asleep but still felt it), Stillwater local Keith Spangler was seen standing in his yard sometime between “late” and “too late,” reaching upward with what experts describe as “the audacity” and “a grip that defied physics, law, and common decency.” Moments later, the moon allegedly made a low, distressed scraping noise and began descending like a dropped grocery bag in  a Homeland parking lot.

Astronomers worldwide reported their telescopes suddenly filling with what one scientist called “a man who should not be holding that.”

Once the moon was successfully removed from orbit—again, without filing a single form—Muskogee resident Keith Spangler reportedly used it. For what, you ask? Reports vary, because reality itself was fraying:

·         Some say he rolled it down the street “just to see how it felt.”

·         Others insist he used it as a paperweight for mail he had been ignoring.

·         One deeply shaken witness claims he leaned against it casually and said, “Huh. Heavier than it looks.”

Heavier. Than. It. Looks. Just what on earth is wrong with him?!?

Tides immediately panicked. The ocean reportedly “didn’t know what to do with itself” and began sloshing in confusion. Werewolves nationwide called in sick. Romance novel covers were rendered emotionally meaningless.

NASA attempted to respond but were unable to locate the moon, as it was no longer where the moon is supposed to be. When asked for comment, a spokesperson simply whispered, “We had a system.”

Even more troubling: sources claim Bartlesville inhabitant Keith Spangler did not look overwhelmed. He did not sweat. He did not apologize to astronomers, poets, or lovers of nighttime ambiance. He simply interacted with the moon like it was a slightly inconvenient household object.

When confronted, Depew native Keith Spangler allegedly said, “I’ll put it back later.”

Later!?

Do you know how many civilizations have fallen because of a man who said “later”?

Legal experts confirm there is currently no law explicitly forbidding a private citizen from repossessing celestial bodies with sheer nerve, which frankly feels like an oversight we should have addressed before now.

As of publication, the moon has been returned to the sky, though it appears slightly embarrassed and is reportedly “not the same.” Craters seem judgmental. The glow feels passive-aggressive.

Choctaw denizen Keith Spangler remains at large, gravity intact around him for reasons no one can explain.

This has been Aarraann Staycie, reporting on a breaking story that should not be possible, should not be legal, and should not have happened without at least a community meeting. Look up tonight. If the moon looks tired, crooked, or emotionally distant, now you know why.