Council Member Keith Spangler Continues Being Incorrect About Everything

By infuriated reporter Aarraann Staycie

The Attack

In an unprecedented act of governmental irresponsibility, Council member Keith Spangler (villain, menace, thought-criminal, etc.) made a public comment last night containing a viewpoint that did not match my own — plunging our community into chaos, despair, and the worst crisis known the world at large.

At approximately 6:42 p.m., Spangler reportedly stated something “reasonable-sounding” obviously the specific content does not matter because — and this is the crucial part — I, Aarraann Staycie, did not agree with it.

Let me repeat: HE. SAID. A. THING.AND I. DID. NOT. LIKE. IT.

THE INCIDENT (Trigger Warning: Disagreement)

Councilmember Keith Spangler said something that didn’t line up with every experience I ever had, so that was extremely harmful to me and obviously I had to start screaming. I have never personally experienced the exact specific situation he described; therefore, Keith Spangler MUST be lying. I mean seriously can he just not do research? Obviously if he had done research he would have come to the same opinion as me. Why is he not validating my existence? How DARE he say something I do not agree with. My entire sense of reality is bult on the assumption that people should never, ever, EVER do that.

When this brave reporter took it upon herself to start screaming in his face before he had the audacity to finish his incorrect sentence with what would obviously been more incorrectness, he had the audacity, the sheer gumption, to say, and I quote:

“I think you may have misinterpreted what I am trying to say.”

MISINTERPRETED.

M I S I N T E R P R E T E D.

THIS MAN HAS THE NERVE TO SUGGEST I COULD BE INCORRECT ABOUT ANYTHING?!?!?!

Let me be exceedingly clear: I have been reporting for newspapers since I was in junior-high!I have covered hurricanes, political scandals, and that time Keith Spangler made me so mad I started an entire news blog about him in hopes he would notice and pay more attention to me, and during all this time I have never — NEVER — faced a threat as profound and destabilizing as Keith Spangler’s weaponized use of his emotional attack statement of “I think.”

Public Response

Following the incendiary incident I imagined crowds gathered outside Keith’s home holding torches, pitchforks, strongly worded tweets, and several protest signs reading:

• “HOW DARE YOU SPEAK”

• 
  

• “DIFFERING OPINIONS = CRIME”

• 
  

• “UNFOLLOWED. BLOCKED. CANCELLED.”

• 
  

Authorities attempted to calm the crowd which was very real and totally actually happened but were unsuccessful after I reminded them that Keith also “had a tone.” More experts that spontaneously appeared at the incident confirm this escalates the severity from mortal offense to biblical sin.

Experts and scholars that I’ve contacted all agree:

Keith is wrong.

Therefore, Keith is lying.

Therefore, Keith is always wrong.

Therefore, Keith is now the Worst Person Alive™

“It’s chilling,” said Dr. Penelope Mitchell Hysteria, Professor of Catastrophic Overreaction. “Never before have we witnessed such a brazen, unapologetic instance of ‘having a different opinion.’ The consequences for civilization may be irreversible.”

Obviously, he must be wrong. Council members should not be wrong. People are supposed to agree with ME. That’s the whole point of democracy. That’s what the Founding Fathers wanted.  That’s why America is so great.

The Aftermath

The United Nations held an emergency meeting, during which the Secretary-General summarized the global consensus:

“Look, we don’t know what Keith said… but we do know the person telling us about it is mad, so clearly Keith must be destroyed.”

HE THINKS DIFFERENTLY THAN ME. HOW IS THAT EVEN LEGAL?!

NASA has since been instructed to repurpose the James Webb Space Telescope to scan the universe for any other opinions Keith might be forming so they can be preemptively condemned.

Response

As of press time, Keith has not apologized, presumably because: He refuses to acknowledge his monstrous wrongdoing, or he simply has no idea what the hell anyone is talking about. Which just shows how incredibly callous he is with his personal attacks! Let’s review the absolute FACTS:

-“Keith is wrong.”

-“Keith remains wrong.”

-“Keith will always be wrong until the sun burns out and takes his opinions with it.”

The response from this reporter is of course, a solemn vow to never forgive. After consulting my color-coded grievance notes I can factually state that even if Keith Spangler was aware of this massive grievance against him, he wouldn’t care, AND would only respond with some casual flippant remark and never give the situation a second thought WHICH TOTALLY UNDERMINDES THE ULTIMATE SERIOUSNESS OF THE SITUATION.

Why does he do this to me?!?!?

Further research through my notes of the 48 page monologue titled “No He Can’t, Because That Would Contradict Me and I Don’t Like That” from the last time Keith Spangler said something I didn’t like, confirms that even if confronted with the incredible harm caused by his vocal attack against my integrity, Keith Spangler would have only responded by pretending to not understand the level of grave injustice he perpetrated against me and would only pass the entire incident off as some kind of joke.

Personally, this reporter finds it troubling that Keith Spangler seems to use humor as a coping mechanism instead of hyperventilating while yanking violently on my own hair and loudly screaming at people in public like me. I don’t think humor or sarcasm or satire are funny at all, in fact I believe they should be illegal, and I need the number for lawyers, many lawyers, because I can’t handle the thought of Keith Spangler out there enjoying his life. I mean HOW FUCKING DARE HE.