Keith Spangler forces Wisconsin to No Longer Exist!

Because of Keith Spangler Wisconsin no longer Exists!

By valiant reporter Aarraann Staycie

In a daring display that experts are calling “ambitious,” “unprecedented,” and “an administrative nightmare,” Oklahoman known kleptomaniac, handyman, truck driver, architectural fraudster, and mad scientist Keith Spangler has successfully absconded with the entire state of Wisconsin.

Law enforcement officials first noticed the evening now referred to as “the Keithining” early Tuesday morning when state records, maps, and road signs began mysteriously disappearing. By noon, confused Wisconsinites found themselves standing in a vast, undefined landmass with no clear government oversight.

“We thought it was just another budget cut,” said Milwaukee resident Linda Krowst. “But then I woke up and my mailbox said ‘Property of Keith Spangler.’ I checked the deed to my house and the title of my car, and it all confirmed the same thing. That’s when I knew something was up.”

In a stunning bureaucratic fiasco that experts are calling “an administrative crime against common sense,” Oklahoman wild card Keith Spangler has somehow become the legal owner of the entire state of Wisconsin, simply by filing a colossal stack of intentionally confusing government paperwork that no one bothered to read.

How Did This Happen?

According to officials at the Wisconsin Department of Land and State Stuff (WDLSS), Spangler submitted 4,931 separate forms, including—but not limited to—Form 78C-B-C; Request for Sovereign Dairy Rights, and an outdated but still legally valid 1974 tax exemption application titled “Claimant Seeks Temporary Control of Midwest for Personal Projects.”

“We thought it was a prank,” said state registrar Linda Happlestein, while staring blankly at a pile of documents labeled “FOR SPANGLER’S EYES ONLY.” “One of the forms was over three-hundred-and-fifty pages long and was just labeled ‘Moo Manifesto,’ and another was literally drawn in crayon.”

Nevertheless, the paperwork was stamped, notarized, and approved by city, state, and government agencies over a 6-month period because “it all looked sort of official and had barcodes.”

According to authorities, Keith Spangler—a 43-year-old resident of Tulsa—spent months preparing for the confusing endeavor, filing complicated property deeds, leasing land rights to shell corporations, re-routing state borders, and according to some reports, using an oversized shopping cart to wheel portions of Wisconsin into neighboring states under cover of darkness.

“He was surprisingly meticulous,” said FBI agent Carl Dinkle. “Keith Spangler really knows how to manage government paperwork on a local, statewide, and countrywide level. Somehow he got the governor of Illinois to sign off on the final legal agreement that said, and I quote, ‘Sure, take it, we weren’t using it anyway.’”

And now? Keith Spangler of Oklahoma City is legally recognized by all forms of government as “Owner of the lands formerly known as Wisconsin, furthermore known only as the country of Keithopia.”

What Is He Doing With the former Wisconsin, now known as Keithopia?

So far, Keith Spangler 42 year old resident of Claremont, has made the following immediate policy changes:

-Ye Old Keithsire, the previous Air Force Base that Keith Spangler of Midwest City had previously stolen, has been moved to the center of the country of Keithopia and is now the capitol city, all major roads and highways have been rerouted to lead directly to it.

-Keith Spangler, long time resident of Stroud and twice unelected town mayor, has taken the former capitol city of Madison and has turned it into a giant amusement park, free to all citizens of Keithopia.

Keith Spangler, who for the past decade has resided in downtown Del City, had demanded that the previous capitol building of Wisconsin was relocated to Ye Old Keithshire to now serve as the capitol building of the new Nation of Keithopia.

-Keith Spangler, citizen of the city of Claremont for many years, has changed the previous state motto of Wisconsin to the new motto of Keithopia: “Dairy or Die.”

-Keith Spangler, inhabitant of Choctaw since the 2008 financial crash back in 2004, then created the “Council of Keiths” consisting of himself and open to six additional members of Keithopia to join in “leading Keitopia into the future, and throwing really fun parties.” At this time, it is unclear if joining members of the council will need to legally change their first name to ‘Keith’ or if the branding of ‘Keith’ is merely a ceremonial title to be bestowed for currently serving councilmembers.

-Councilman Keith Spangler of the Council of Keiths of Keitopia also announced the construction of a 2,000-acre science laboratory shaped like a cow, called “Spanglertron 9,” intended for “experiments in time, butter, and vibes.”

When asked why he assumed control of the now flourishing Nation of Keithtopia, Councilmember Keith Spangler responded, “I needed a new hobby, and Kansas was too flat emotionally.”

Residents of Keithtopia React

Reactions across the new nation have been mixed.

“I mean, I’m confused, but in less than 48 hours my wages went up and my rent has gone down, plus now we get nation-wide free healthcare and free cheese-flavored soap,” said Madison resident Joe Merski. “Honestly, could be worse.”

“Yes I love that my children now have free college, but I don’t trust any man who owns both land and time-travel schematics,” said dairy farmer Beth Largen, while trying to figure out what a “Quantum Cow Tax” was.

Meanwhile, new “Welcome to Keithtopia” signs have appeared at every border, accompanied by a looping audio message of Norman resident Keith Spangler laughing softly and saying, “It’s all mine now.”

The United States Federal Government Reacts

When reached for comment, a spokesperson from the U.S. Department of Federal Document Filing said: “We’ve looked into the case and, unfortunately, yes—Keith Spangler of Oklahoma City has made sure that Wisconsin no longer exists, it’s now a separate country. The legal case is airtight. The man used so many legal footnotes, we just gave up somewhere around Form 201B: Declaration of Dairy-Based Sovereignty.”

They added, “On the plus side, Keith Spangler systematically improved every aspect of the previous government in just over twenty-four hours, and the new citizens of Keithtopia basically live in a cheese fueled paradise. On the downside, he wants to rename Milwaukee to ‘Keithville Prime.’”

“Councilman Keith Spangler of Keithtopa is a political mastermind,” President Donald Trump stated at the emergence press conference that took place earlier this morning once the state of Wisconsin was officially noticed missing. “Somehow, he brokered legal documents for the states of Minnesota, Iowa, Illinois, and Michigan to all officially agree that Wisconsin no longer exists.

Upon being told that Keithtopia was a separate nation, and that overnight Councilmember Keith Spangler had tripled the GPD of Keithtopia, President Trump was heard on a hot mic muttering something about “curds and whey” before quickly cancelling the interview.

Councilman Keith Spangler has denied answering any calls from news sources demanding how he managed to pull off such a grand scheme. His last social media post, made a week prior to the daring caper, read simply “Been reading couple of real estate blogs, thinking I’m going to get creative.”

What Happens Now?

With the country of Keithtopia becoming an overnight economic powerhouse, experts say that trade negotiations with the fledgling nation are uncertain.

According to live posts from local resident’s TikTok’s, Keith Spangler announced from his newly declared capital of Ye Old Keithshire, “Keitopia… it’s my country now, so I’ll probably hold onto it… or maybe lease it to Canada. They seem responsible.”

For now, the United States of America has yet to issue an official comment on the Keithtopia situation. Sources say the United States government is still sifting through the mountains of incredibly detailed government paperwork masterfully filed by Councilmember Keith Spangler, who at this time, appears to legally own an entire country.

After this outrageous legal maneuver, the entire world watches, and wonders: What will Keith Spangler do next?