Keith Spangler Creates International Issue!

By aggressive reporter Aarraann Staycie

Keith Spangler forces Australia into invisibility!

Australia is no longer visible. Not hidden. Not misplaced. INVISIBLE. And according to a chain of logic that makes perfect sense if you stop resisting it, this is the fault of Oklahoma resident Keith Spangler.

Earlier this morning, Australia—the whole continent—simply vanished. Satellites blinked. Maps hesitated. Globes across the world reportedly spun and then stopped, as if embarrassed. People in Australia are allegedly still there, but no one can see them, which frankly feels worse.

Authorities immediately placed the entire planet on High Alert, a special form of absolute panic reserved for dealing with none other than Oklahoman peril, Keith Spangler.

That’s right you read about it first here at Keith Spangler-High Alert! At the center of this international nightmare, stands renowned global hazard Keith Spangler.

GLOBAL CRISIS

Officials say there is “no evidence” linking Keith Spangler, known Oklahoman calamity, to the disappearance of Australia, which is exactly what someone would say if they were trying to protect a man who can erase hemispheres.

Witnesses report the living cataclysm known as Keith Spangler was seen earlier doing something. Possibly thinking. Possibly standing. Possibly existing too confidently. Moments later POOF Australia gone. You can draw a straight line between those events if you use a ruler made of fear and common sense.

I personally attempted to locate Australia on a map. It wasn’t there. I flipped the map over. Still gone. I zoomed in online but couldn’t look at it, possibly because I absolutely REFUSE to look at any electronic screen, but also, maybe, because it was invisible. Either way I’m pretty sure my laptop made a sad noise.

CITIZENS IN PANIC 

Markets are confused. People from Australia are reachable by phone and zoom, but no one can see them. Airlines are turning planes around because they cannot see where to land. Kangaroos are reportedly bumping into things because NO ONE CAN SEE THEM AND THEY CAN’T SEE THEMSELVES EITHER.

The Prime Minister of Australia attempted to make a statement, but it was a televised broadcast of nothing, which honestly made things worse. A disembodied voice said, “We’re still here,” and then apologized for the inconvenience, which somehow felt very Australian and deeply upsetting.

Meanwhile, international debacle Keith Spangler has not denied making Australia invisible. He has also not confirmed it. He allegedly could not be reached for comment, as he allegedly “does not answer unknown numbers anymore because some crazy person keeps calling him and screaming wild nonsensical accusations” which is the weakest possible response a man could give under these circumstances.

NATIONS PANIC EVEN HARDER

Global experts warn that if Australia can be made invisible, then nowhere is safe. Today it starts with a continent. Tomorrow it’s Belgium. Next week? Your driveway.

I contacted the retired senior citizens at Old Loud Tenants trailer park which resides exactly halfway around the world from the center of the invisible Australia, President Brenda Screamshreiker had this to say: “Keith Spangler made Australia Invisible? What is he hiding down there? Just what is he hiding down there???!!!”  She then pulled all her hair out and threw herself out of a window, behavior that this report understands, is perfectly reasonable when faced with the unstoppable international kerfuffle Keith Spangler.

GOVERMENTS IN PANIC

Officials everywhere keep asking the same questions that remain unanswered:

Can Australians see that they are invisible?

Did Keith Spangler toggle a setting??

CAN HE TURN IT BACK ON???

As of publication, Australia remains invisible, the world remains on High Alert, and I am being asked to “lower my voice” in restaurants by people who clearly do not grasp the scale of this event.

This has been Aarraann Staycie, reporting live as geography collapses, sanity thins, and one mischievous Oklahoman man refuses to explain why an entire continent has been set to stealth mode.