Councilmember Keith Spangler takes World’s Supply of Boba Tea

Councilmember Keith Spangler of Keithtopia Takes Global Boba Supply to Fill World’s Largest Swimming Pool

By plucky reporter Aarraann Staycie

In a flagrant violation of international trade law, beverage ethics, and common decency, Councilmember Keith Spangler of the Nation of Keithtopia has reportedly stolen the entirety of the world’s boba tea supply — not to drink, not to hoard, but to fill a swimming pool so large it can be seen from space.

Keith Spangler Takes Boba Tea

According to sources close to the outrageous event, Spangler’s plan — code-named Operation Suck It — began in secret with the economic-powerhouse nation-state of Keithopia engaging in the silent acquisition of tapioca farms, tea plantations, and the majority of the globe’s absurdly wide straws. By the time world leaders realized what was happening, it was too late. All the boba and the ingredients and supplies to make more was all gone, and Keithtopia’s National Big Boba Pool Party™ was full.

And it is enormous.

Spanning three counties, two time zones, and an abandoned Six Flags theme park, the massive pool in the center of Keithtopia now holds over 12 billion gallons of sweetened tea and an estimated 94 trillion tapioca pearls. News reports from Keithtopia indicate construction has already started on what will be come the world’s largest waterslide, make that bobaslide.

“This Is an Act of Beverage Terrorism”

Global reaction has been swift and horrified.

“This is an act of beverage terrorism,” said French President Amélie du Thérmomètre, sipping reluctantly from a lukewarm espresso. “He has weaponized deliciousness.”

The UN Security Council issued a statement condemning Spangler’s actions, calling it “a slippery slope from boba imperialism to smoothie fascism.” So far UN delegates seem torn between issuing economic sanctions and just asking politely for a sip. Meanwhile, NATO has deployed a peacekeeping mission composed entirely of emotionally compromised baristas.

Across America, Boba-deprived protestors have taken to the streets with signs like “Pearl Before Swine” and “No Justice, No Jasmine Milk.”

Meanwhile, Taiwan, the birthplace of bubble tea, has declared Keithtopia a “rogue nation-state fueled by chewy tyranny.”

Keithtopia Responds: “It’s Not Theft, It’s Innovation”

When reached for comment, Councilmember Spangler, sipping from a custom 64-ounce diamond-encrusted boba chalice, denied all wrongdoing.

“I did not steal the boba,” Spangler said while reclining on a throne made of biodegradable straws. “I liberated it. From capitalism. And lactose intolerance.”

This public address where Councilmember Keith Spangler addressed the world via TikTok Live from atop his floating throne in the center of the National Big Boba Pool Party™

“Let the world call me a criminal,” he said floating of 12 billion gallons of tapioca deliciousness. “I call myself a pioneer. A man of the people. A milk and sugar visionary.”

He claims the National Big Boba Pool Party™ serves multiple purposes:

A leisure facility for Keithtopian citizens, who now float peacefully in milk tea inner tubes.

A strategic defense mechanism, as “no invading army will willingly wade through five feet of tapioca.”

And a “spiritual symbol of national unity”, because nothing brings people together like sharing a hot tub filled with lychee jellies.

American Secretary of the Interior Mallory Sterling Bluth was caught on live camera as security rushed her towards an emergency meeting at the White House: “Does he want Ants? Because that’s how he gets Ants!”

The Human Toll

Outside of Keithtopia, chaos reigns.

Boba cafes from LA to London have shuttered, with “CLOSED: Spangler Got Us” signs taped to their windows. Millennials and Zoomers alike are experiencing widespread withdrawal symptoms, including straw-tapping, phantom chew syndrome, and emotionally charged Instagram Reels set to sad lofi beats.

“I tried to replace it with kombucha,” said distressed barista Leluny Deseieri interviewed in Austin TX, “but it’s just…not squishy enough…and also disgusting.”

College students across America are being forced to drink coffee like it’s 2008. In Brooklyn, a spontaneous candlelight vigil was held outside a shuttered Boba Palace, where random mourner Tommy Evans was interviewed while crying and whispering, “What’s the point of life without brown sugar milk tea?”

Even Starbucks attempted a pivot with their emergency “Frappuccino with Suspiciously Chewy Ice” — which has since been discontinued due to several lawsuits.

A Glimmer of Hope?

Rumors swirl that a rogue alliance of bubble tea scientists, known only as the Pearl Underground, is working on a synthetic tapioca alternative made from seaweed, kelp tape, and recycled yoga mats. Whether this bootlegged boba will be enough to fight back against Keithtopia’s starchy empire remains to be seen.

For now, the world waits, watches… and mourns.

One tearful barista in Toronto summed up the mood best: “We thought he just liked tea. We didn’t know he’d bathe in it.”

Councilmember Keith Spangler was last seen handing out free boba to Keithtopian residents, while wearing a dramatic cloak embroidered with the phrase “SwimFastChewHard” Unverified TikTok streams from Keithopian residents seem to have captured Councilmember Keith Spangler stating: “Rejoyce citizens. Yesterday we owned all the Dairy! Today we own all the Boba. Tomorrow… -indistinguishable aside from laughing manically-“

The world can only wait, thirsty and wondering, just what will the unstoppable Keith Spangler do next?