Councilmember Keith Spangler Ruins Opera

WORLD OPERA COMMUNITY IN RUINS AFTER KEITH SPANGLER REPLACES ALL LYRICS WITH KATY PERRY SONGS

By definitely not biased reporter Aarraann Staycie

Keith Spangler RUINS Opera

In a musical tragedy that experts are calling “La Traviata-meets-Gaslighting,” Keith Spangler—long-time Oklahoman menace, full-time natural disaster, and for-some-reason-we-still-don’t-understand Councilmember of the top gross domestic producing nation-state of Keithtopia—has successfully stolen the lyrics to every opera in existence and replaced the entire global operatic canon with the collected works of Katy Perry.

The bold cultural heist, now dubbed “The Libretto Lift, The Attack on Allegro, and The Vibrato Violation,” unfolded in the dead of night as Spangler reportedly broke into the Vatican Music Archives with a squad of backup shark dancers, while wearing a sequined “Teenage Dream” hoodie and wielding a USB stick labeled “Bangerz Only.”

Within 48 hours, every major opera house—from La Scala to the Met—discovered their cherished classics had been rewritten. In place of arias rich with Italian pathos and German torment, productions now feature lyrics such as:

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?”

As sung by Don Giovanni while seducing Donna Elvira.

Opera Community in Meltdown

“We tried to stage Madama Butterfly, but she just kept Roaring,” sobbed soprano Giulia Bianchi. “At one point, Lieutenant Pinkerton called her his ‘dark horse,’ and that was when I blacked out.”

Maestro Ludwig Von Fretzel, chief conductor of the Berlin State Opera, has reportedly locked himself in a rehearsal room with a phonograph and a box set of Wagner recordings, muttering, “She kissed a girl and now no one knows who dies in Act III.”

In a rare show of international unity, France, Italy, and Germany have issued a joint statement condemning the act as “a war crime against culture,” while the United Nations has declared Spangler “an enemy of Western theatre.”

Chairman of the American Operatic Society, Cole B Ussy spoke today at a nationwide press conference, where he called Keith Spangler; “The worst thing to happen to opera since Andrew Lloyd Webber.”

“Somehow though, as always, Keith Spangler’s various ‘crimes’ have only benefited his victims. Ticket sales have been through the roof!” Claimed Musical theater producter Jean Baptiste Lully, broadly smiling as she reviewed revenue since the incident. “Our performers are not happy with the subject material, but we’ve had sold out shows every night since. More people are coming to see performances than ever before!”

The Metropolitan Opera House general manager Peter Gelb went on record as stating, “We’ve never done so many shows, and had so many people buying tickets. Worldwide we’ve started paying performers living wages they can actually survive on. It’s insanity!”

Spangler’s Statement: “Opera Was Mid Anyway”

When reached for comment, Keith Spangler —who is, it must be reiterated, the worst— responded while currently holed up in his newly built glitter encrusted fortress inside the nation of Keithtopia, and released a statement via holographic tiger:

“You call it vandalism. I call it a cultural glow-up. Stephen Sondheim walked so Katy Perry could serve. If you don’t think ‘Swish Swish’ belongs in Fiddler on the Roof, that’s a you problem. Verdi never had a Super Bowl halftime show, and Puccini never shot whipped cream out of his bra. So, really…. you’re welcome.”

He then set down his outrageously large boba tea (again, just the worst) and cartwheeled off screen, reportedly into a fog machine.

Sources inside Keithtopia say Spangler has commissioned an all-new opera called Firework Fantasia, A Phantom of the Opera rip-off featuring a libretto stitched together entirely from Katy Perry lyrics, inspirational TikToks, and snippets from inspirational coffee mugs.

Traumatized test audience members were last seen crying while mumbling:

“You’re hot then you’re cold,

You’re yes then you’re no,

You’re masked then you’re not,

You live under a stage and commit crimes for love and you will not explain why.”

Resistance Mounts

Meanwhile, underground groups of furious musicologists are forming a resistance, attempting to restore operatic works from memory. However, efforts are spotty, and early reconstructions of The Marriage of Figaro have tragically ended in full-cast lip-sync battles to “California Gurls.”

“I used to cry during Tosca,” said retired tenor Miguel Alvarez. “Now I just cry.”

As disgruntled baritone Joseph Stillsad posted on social media: “This is what happens when we don’t stop Keith Spangler. He’s not just the worst—he’s the end of opera itself. If Keith Spangler remains on the loose…what’s next for all of musical theater?.”

The world weeps, and can only wait.