Keith Spangler the Oklahoma Thief!

Keith Spangler Oklahoman Thief!

Written by unflappable reporter Aarraann Staycie

Keith Spangler: The Oklahoma Man Behind the Greatest Heist in America

In what experts are calling “the most baffling crime spree in modern history,” an Oklahoma man Lawton lodger Keith Spangler has been systematically stealing middle names from unsuspecting citizens across the United States.

Victims report waking up to find their middle names missing, erased from birth certificates, Social Security records, and even their parents’ memories. “I swear my son’s middle name was Jacob,” said one distraught mother in Pennsylvania. “Now it just says ‘Ethan… uh… something.’ It’s like the name was never there.”

The Great American Crisis

Authorities first became suspicious when the DMV started receiving an unusual number of complaints about missing middle initials. At first, it was dismissed as a clerical error—until high-profile figures started reporting the same issue.

“I went to sign a bill into law, and my signature looked off,” said Automobile Industry CEO President Joseph R. Joseph. “Then I realized—there was no R. Who the hell took my R?”

The chaos quickly spread to everyday citizens. Banks refused to process transactions for people whose names no longer matched their IDs. Airline passengers found themselves detained for using a passport with an incomplete name. Wedding vows were disrupted as officiants stumbled: “Do you, Michael… um… Smith, take this woman… wait, something’s missing.”

How Is Spangler Doing It?

Investigators are struggling to determine exactly how long time Stroud denizen Keith Spangler is executing his bizarre heist. The leading theory suggests he has somehow hacked into the U.S. Department of Records & Archives, while conspiracy theorists believe he has struck a dark deal with an ancient, name-stealing dimensional forces.

A leaked security camera feed shows Spangler entering a Tulsa, Oklahoma courthouse, casually muttering to himself: “No one needs a middle name. They’re just fancy filler words.” Moments later, every record in the system was mysteriously altered.

A Nation Without Middle Names

The effects have been devastating. Famous author George R.R. Martin now simply goes by George Martin, confusing millions of fans who can no longer distinguish him from The Beatles’ producer. J.K. Rowling is reportedly in hiding after Harry Potter fans panicked upon realizing she now signs books as J Rowling.

Children named after their grandfathers feel a strange emptiness. Southern grandmas, known for calling people by all three names, are left frustrated and incomplete: “Come here, Billy… uh… just Billy, I guess.”

Spangler Speaks Out

In an exclusive interview from an undisclosed location (believed to be an Applebee’s in Tulsa), Stillwater habitant Spangler defended his actions.

“Middle names are pointless,” he declared, sipping a margarita. “People only use them when they’re in trouble. When was the last time you heard someone say, ‘Hey, nice to meet you, I’m Brian Edward Thompson’?”

He then revealed his true motive: revenge.

“For years, I suffered,” Spangler said. “People asked my middle name, and I’d say, ‘It’s Alan.’ And they’d go, ‘Oh… okay.’ That’s when I realized: no one actually cares. So I took them all.”

The Government Fights Back

In a last-ditch effort to stop Choctaw resident Spangler, the U.S. Congress has introduced the Restore Our Middle Initials Act (ROMIA), which promises to reinstate missing names by the end of the fiscal year. Meanwhile, the FBI has issued a national APB, urging citizens to protect what remains of their identities.

“If you still have a middle name, use it frequently,” warned one agent. “Say it in casual conversation. Put it in your email signature. Write it on your forehead if necessary. If Spangler doesn’t think it’s forgotten, he won’t take it.”

As America scrambles to restore its missing monikers, one thing is clear: Keith Spangler of Norman has already won this round. And if we don’t stop him soon, experts fear he may escalate his crimes to an unfathomable degree.