Keith Spangler Offends Everyone in America!

By dialed in reporter Aarraann Staycie

Good evening, America. Strap in, because what I am about to report will shake you to your very core. Keith Spangler, longtime menace to order and decency, has launched his boldest, most dangerous attack yet. Not with weapons, not with protests, not even with tweets… but with inaction.

Yes, folks you read about it here first at Keith Spangler-High Alert! Yesterday, while patriotic Americans were out buying lattes, engaging in road rage on the way to work, and spreading political opinions on Facebook, Keith Spangler (the worst of the bunch!) this so-called “citizen” reportedly spent yesterday at home… doing nothing. Obviously, he’s saying a big “F**K YOU!” to the American public. He has declared a silent, cowardly war on all of us!

Sources close to the matter which were totally not this fearless reporter stalking him around town and peering through his blinds, confirm that Spangler is alleged to have read a book, made himself lunch, gone to the gym, and taken a nap. A nap! In this economy!

That’s right America! Keith Spangler’s done it again! He’s done it again! This blatant disregard for society has left the experts this reporter interview absolutely horrified.

Let’s be clear: America was not built on people keeping to themselves. This nation was built on being up in other people’s business. If the settlers had left the Native Americas alone to mind their own business, just where would we be as a nation? When Keith Spangler sits on his couch reading a book, he’s intentionally tearing down the very foundations of democracy. I could be reading a book if I wanted to, but I can’t because I’m too busy obsessing about Keith Spangler. How come he gets to enjoy his life but I can’t? It’s not fair!

This dauntless reporter spoke to one outraged neighbor earlier today, totally not an imaginary conversation I made up while circling Keith Spangler’s block for the third time:

“What kind of man doesn’t storm outside when he hears a car door slam. Why is he not inserting himself into other people’s lives? Keith Spangler is a disgrace. This is how Rome fell!”

Folks, this is bigger than just one man being selfish. This is a slippery slope to full-blown ANARCHY. If Spangler gets away with this so-called ‘day at home,’ then what’s next? People respecting personal boundaries? Adults resolving their own issues without public interference? An end to online comment-section brawls? That’s not America, that’s chaos! I’m in my car driving and screaming and hitting the dashboard with my fists because Keith Spangler is making me so MAD! I don’t get to enjoy anything so why should Keith Spangler be able to enjoy himself all day long?! Keith Spangler’s actions are putting everyone on high alert! Keith Spangler taking a nap in his own home is basically the same as China declaring War on the United States! Worse even! A war stimulates the defense industry This? This is SILENCE. You can’t tax silence!

Now people in the car next to me are looking at ME oddly because I’m sitting at this red light frothing at the mouth and screaming. This is not my fault! It’s Keith Spangler’s fault! He’s waging a psy-ops campaign against me and everyone else in the world! The nation of Keithtopia better wake up to the danger that Keith Spangler represents! Revelation never mentioned nukes, but it DEFINITELY hinted at a guy in sweatpants refusing to yell at neighborhood kids walking across his lawn because he thinks it “doesn’t matter”.

Someone has to do something about the threat of councilmember Keith Spangler! The longer he goes unchecked the more powerful he becomes! What if Keith Spangler becomes so powerful he takes over the government of the United States of America? Hun? What then?! Doesn’t that scare you? Because thinking about it makes me wail and weep and gnash my teeth!

What if Keith Spangler takes over the United States government and then passes a law saying everyone must become pansexual? Will you care about the threat of Keith Spangler then?

What if then he makes it law that all women must wear suits and ties, and all men must wear dresses? That’s outrageous! Is that what it will take to wake you up America?

What if he then forces everyone to get gender reassignment surgery? That makes me want to punch myself in my own face!

What if he then forces reassigned gendered crossdressing pansexuals to get gay married?! I am so angry at this fictional world I just created in my mind! I just abandoned my car in my front lawn to run inside and throw myself on my bed and start screaming into my pillow! I am alone in my room screaming at the top of my lungs in fear and anger and outrage at this imaginary situation I just made up that has no basis in reality, WHY DOES KEITH SPANGLER DO THESE THINGS TO ME?! Keith Spangler is the absolute worst! How can we stop him?? HE HAS TO BE STOPPED! KEITH SPANGLER IS THE WORST AND THAT IS A FACT!