Keith Spangler Declares Free College for All, Americans Outraged

By justifiably enraged reporter Aarraann Staycie

In what experts are calling “the most offensive act against freedom since seatbelt laws,” Keith Spangler, Councilmember of the Nation of Keithtopia, has announced that every citizen of Keithtopia will receive free college education at his brand-new institution, Wosssamattawit University.

That’s right folks, you read about it here first at Keith Spangler-High Alert, the known menace to freedom, Keith Spangler, has launched a direct attack on the core values of the United States: ignorance, debt, and underpaid teachers.

The move has sparked outrage across America, where education is traditionally cherished only when it comes with a crippling debt load, a side hustle delivering Uber Eats, and a diploma that costs more than a small house.

“Horrifying!” said Brad McClintock, a proud American taxpayer. “If college is free, how will I brag about my student loan debt to my kids? That debt builds character. You think Keith Spangler cares about character? No, he only cares about… educating people. It’s disgusting!”

A sentiment echoed by this brave reporter who risks life and limb daily to bring you the news that is Keith Spangler putting us all on high alert.

“This is socialism with chalk dust,” declared Fox News anchor Karen Loudly-Angered, eyes wide with fury. “In America, teachers are supposed to work three jobs, grade papers at midnight, and still get accused of brainwashing kids with multiplication tables. If they’re well paid, what’s to stop them from buying luxuries like food or paying rent?”

Experts warn this could set a dangerous precedent if Americans get any bright ideas. “If young people see Keithtopians graduating debt-free while their teachers drive actual cars instead of 2004 Honda Civics with the muffler held on by duct tape, it could lead to unrest,” said guest commentator Buck Freedom, visibly sweating. “Americans might start demanding better. And better is the enemy of America.”

“This is nothing less than a war on American ignorance,” said Fox News anchor Chad Potstirrer, shaking his head gravely. “Ignorance is the glue that binds our nation together. Without it, how will we have conspiracy theories? How will Facebook survive? What Keith Spangler is doing is un-American, pure and simple.”

Adding fuel to the fire, Councilmember Keith Spangler announced that teachers at Wosssamattawit U will be paid high salaries. Critics were quick to point out the dangerous precedent this could set.

“Teachers being paid well? Are you kidding me?” fumed Senator Clive Hogsbreath (R–Somewhere Very Angry). “In America, teachers should be underpaid, overworked, and forced to buy their own crayons from the clearance aisle at Walmart. That’s tradition. If we start paying teachers properly, they might start… liking their jobs. What’s next—teaching kids critical thinking? Not on my watch.”

But Spangler wasn’t done. In what the United States Government is referring to as “an act of educational extremism” Keith Spangler announced that the high-paying teaching jobs at Wosssamattawit U are open to applicants from around the world, a statement met with pure unadulterated fury.

Personally, knowing that Keith Spangler is nice to other people makes me want to lock myself in my bathroom, smash a bathroom mirror with my face while screaming at the top of my lungs, and start cutting myself with the jagged edges. Obviously I can’t be the only person in the world Keith Spangler affects in this way.

The United States President angrily tweeted earlier this morning. “FIRST HE CREATES  JOBS THEN HE PAYS TOO MUCH! KEITH SPANGLER IS ANTI-AMERICAN! REAL AMERICANS HATE HIGH PAYING JOBS AS MUCH AS THEY HATE EDUCATION! IT IS IN THE CONSTITUTION I THINK. THANK YOU FOR YOURE ATENTON”

“Can you imagine?” said anchor Todd PewPew Patriot, visibly trembling. “Spangler is luring hardworking Americans into another country simply for well-paying jobs where they’ll be respected. Respect is the gateway drug to dignity. And dignity, friends, is how socialism wins.”

Protests have already erupted outside the boarders of Keithtopia. Demonstrators on the American side of the border waved signs reading “Keep College Expensive!” and “Teachers Should Suffer Like the Rest of Us!”

Spangler, unfazed as always, (which is really infuriating to this reporter!) gave a smug press conference from a hot air balloon shaped like Hello Kitty for some yet unknown reason. “I’m making sure everyone gets a chance to learn, and teachers get the pay they deserve,” he said. “Also, our mascot will be a depressed raccoon, that way you’ll know for sure that we’re serious about higher education.”

Political analysts warn that Spangler’s education offensive could spread, undermining America’s proud tradition of overpriced degrees and generational student debt.

“Keith Spangler is trying to end ignorance,” concluded Fox News anchor Karen Loudly-Angered. “And if America loses its ignorance, what will we have left? Facts? Truth? Knowledge? That’s not America. That’s Keithtopia.”