Keith Spangler Bamboozles Billions from Billionaires!

By inconceivable reporter Aarraann Staycie

Keith Spangler is the Worst!

In a shocking turn of events that has left the art world speechless, Keith Spangler — the man widely regarded as "the worst" whose previous exploits include replacing all opera lyrics with Katy Perry songs and hording the world’s boba supply, has now pulled off his most confusing stunt yet: creating a series of thirty abstract paintings and selling them to billionaire collectors for one billion dollars each.

The series, titled “Sad Rich People but Make It Colorful,” includes works such as:

• “Crying in Yacht Blue” — a single blue smear on a canvas made entirely of shredded hedge fund contracts.

• “Regret in 14K Gold” — a gold frame around a mirror dusted with “artistic license” but what was probably just chalk.

• “This Is Just a Paperclip, Give Me Money” — a used paperclip messily hot glued to a blank canvas.

• “Untitled (Actually Just a Napkin with a Grease Stain)” — self-explanatory.

Elon Musk summed up the confusion when speaking to CNN reporter Benjamen Earl Haberdasher; “Keith said it was a billion-dollar painting. So I wanted it. No one else I know has a billion-dollar painting. But now I hear that he sold twenty-nine more of them? That does not sound fair to me. I wanted to be special.”

Jeff Bezos reportedly purchased multiple paintings and wept upon viewing “Loneliness, But Private Jet Sized.” When asked by CNN reporter Jace Thikk Thighsavelives why he paid such an outrageous sum of up-front cash Bezos replied; “Spangler said art was subjective, and only I was unique enough to understand it. I bought one for every one of my residences.”

After amassing an unholy $27 billion from the collection (reports say two were donated to unknown organizations, and somehow Keith lost one titled “Just a Banana Duct-Taped to a Bill Gates Intern”), Keith Spangler had declined media interviews, but was captured on camera chuckling as he was crossing the border back into Keithtopia. “Oh the paintings? I told them it was post-post-neo-abstract-expressionist-grief-satire. They ate it up.”

Average income earners across the nation appeared furious with Keith Spangler as the news began to circulate. Jarrad Votesred spoke to reporters during the middle of his shift at a local Dollar General: “It ain’t right that Keith Spangler can take billions of dollars from the one percent, I bet they work hard for their money and one day I plan to be one of thems and I don’t want nobody to take billions of dollars from me neither.”

President Donald Trump was captured on a hot mic warning the American people about the threat known as Keith Spangler. “If he can take money like this from the world’s elite… imagine what awful things he could do the rest of us? We should all be against Keith Spangler!”

The Twist Nobody Saw Coming

Just when everyone thought things couldn’t get any worse, the Wall Street Journal’s investigative reporter Brendon Galadrielhair dropped a bombshell early this morning:

“Spangler, who obtained his fortune by selling absurdist art to billionaires, immediately spent the entire twenty-seven billion dollars within 48 hours. In a flurry of obviously pre-arranged financial moves, Keith Spangler donated billions of dollars to food banks across the country, reduced or eliminated medical debt for millions of people, and funded 100-year trust funds for a multitude of clean water projects, civic community centers, and affordable housing initiatives.” (Wall Street Journal, all rights reserved)

Keith-Spangler-High-Alert reporters have verified the Wall Street Journal’s findings, and confirmed they are indeed accurate. In this horrifying act of unchecked decency, known societal menace Keith Spangler has once again proven he is the worst by donating billions of dollars to charities worldwide.

This aggressive move, described by financial experts as “obnoxiously ethical,” has sent shockwaves from Wall Street to the White House.

Patriots Outraged: “This Is Not What Capitalism Is About!”

“What kind of monster gives away money instead of hoarding it offshore in an account named after their yacht?” fumed Gerald Frackn Drillmore, CEO of WealthBucket International. “Keith Spangler is basically economic Antifa.”

Foxonomics anchor Sharon Jetstreem Golddouche agreed: “He’s disrupting the natural order. Billionaires are supposed to fund political candidates and take away land from local residents in tropical locations, not reduce suffering. Is Keith Spangler even American? Because his actions are the most un-American thing I’ve ever heard.”

In a now-viral interview, stockbroker Baron von Oilspil Stripmine was seen protesting outside of his hedge fund business, holding a sign stating “Charity = Communism” and shouting: “This is how it starts! Next thing you know, Keith Spangler will be making insulin affordable or letting teachers afford rent! This is tyranny!”

Congress And Wall Street Unite

In an overnight emergency session, Congress introduced the “Protecting the Wealthy from Feelings Act,” which would make it illegal to donate more than $17.43 to charity without first purchasing a luxury boat.

Senator James Lamechevy (R) decried Spangler’s actions as “a slippery slope into empathy.”

“We all know Keith Spangler, he’s going to remain unapologetic! If we let this man continue,” he warned, “we’ll have a nation where people help each other without expecting profit. That’s basically Canada.”

Senator Markgreg Garywayne (R) seconded the motion with a passionate reminder; “As elected officials we work hard to ensure the top 1% gets the largest tax breaks, and someone like Keith Spangler can just come along and take that money from the ultra-rich and just give it back to the people, it’s disgusting.”

Senate Leader Charles E. Camembert summed up what all Americans are currently feeling. “The average American is out there working hard and suddenly Keith Spangler pays for things? Why even bother to get out of bed if you are not suffering from crippling debt? Keith Spangler is creating a cycle of dependency and is actively discouraging individuals from becoming self-sufficient and pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. It’s terrifying that he’s providing a safety net for vulnerable populations, ensuring basic needs are met, and not giving politicians a cut of all that money!”

Financial advisors across Wall Street are deeply concerned that Spangler’s “reckless altruism” may catch on.

“This is how revolutions start,” warned Shawn Baldfail Meekhumper, hedge fund consultant and casual yacht enthusiast. “If people see billions of dollars being spent doing good, other billionaires might feel pressured to stop investing in space travel and doomsday bunkers and instead pay their fair share of taxes, or fix the economy or, God forbid, the climate. I’m terrified.”

One thing is certain, and it’s something that Keith Spangler High Alert has been stating for years. The menace known as Keith Spangler only continues to grow more powerful. If he’s left unchecked, it won’t be long until the entire world is affected.